How to Heal Your Loss of Identity After Illness

5 Steps to Reconnect with the Self You’re Becoming

When we talk about grief, most people think of death. But there’s another kind of grief that’s quieter, lonelier, and often goes unspoken—the grief of losing who you used to be, all the beliefs that accompanied that self and how that past self relates to everything in the world around you.

Whether it’s after a cancer diagnosis, a major surgery, or a chronic illness that reshaped your life, many women experience a deep loss of identity. You might look in the mirror and not recognize yourself. You may feel distanced from your old routines, your relationships, even your own body. This grief is real—and healing it takes gentleness, not pressure.

👇 Watch the full video below to walk through the 5 healing steps with me:

What Is Self-Grieving?

Self-grieving is the process of mourning the parts of yourself that changed or were lost after illness. It includes feelings of sadness, anger, even jealousy—and it’s not a sign of weakness. Turning towards this grief is a brave act and necessary to move forward.

This grief can shift how you relate to the world. You might be seen by others as strong and capable—but maybe you don’t feel that way right now.  Friendships may change. People may not know how to show up for you. These experiences are deeply personal. A common theme regarding social pressures is to put on a painted smile so smooth others discomfort. That pressure to not show up as our authentic self in what we are experiencing in the moment, further divides our transforming self and puts constraints on the new self desperately wanting to come into being.

When I heard those words—that diagnosis—I knew my life is never going to be the same again. Grief is like a wild animal. You don’t tame it—you witness it, experience it.

This Owl showed up the evening after I was creating this topic, Grateful for it's presence.

“Grief is visceral, not reasonable. It is love in its most wild form.”

- Megan Devine, author of It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay

We have all heard the butterfly analogy—caterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly. But we skip over the chrysalis. That gooey, uncertain, painful middle stage? That’s where real transformation happens. Facing grief in the middle of a health crisis takes immense courage. Showing up for our grief is form of bravery because we grieving and growing at the same time. It’s how we honor what we’ve lost.

"We can’t control the pain, but we can change and shift the suffering"

5 Steps to Heal the Loss of Identity After Illness

1. Write a Grief Letter

Honor your old self, body, or life with words. This letter isn’t about closure—it’s about connection and acknowledgment. You may choose to keep them, bury them, or burn them. The point is to write freely, without judgment.

2. Keep a Gratitude Journal

Even on the darkest days, there were glimmers. This isn’t toxic positivity. It’s about holding both gratitude and grief at the same time—because you contain both. Gratitude doesn’t cancel grief—it can sit beside it.

3. Recognize the Interim Time

That in-between space where you’re no longer who you were, and not yet who you’re becoming. This is the chrysalis phase. Simple and yet difficult at the same time is simple recognize and be.

Blessing for The Interim Time by John O’Donohue

When near the end of day, life has drained

Out of light, and it is too soon

For the mind of night to have darkened things,

No place looks like itself, loss of outline

Makes everything look strangely in-between,

Unsure of what has been, or what might come.

In this wan light, even trees seem groundless.

In a while it will be night, but nothing

Here seems to believe the relief of darkness.

You are in this time of the interim

Where everything seems withheld.

The path you took to get here has washed out;

The way forward is still concealed from you.

The old is not old enough to have died away;

The new is still too young to be born.

You cannot lay claim to anything;

In this place of dusk,

Your eyes are blurred;

And there is no mirror.

Everyone else has lost sight of your heart

And you can see nowhere to put your trust;

You know you have to make your own way through.

As far as you can, hold your confidence.

Do not allow confusion to squander

This call which is looseningYour roots in false ground,

That you might come free

From all you have outgrown.

What is being transfigured here in your mind,

And it is difficult and slow to become new.

The more faithfully you can endure here,

The more refined your heart will become

For your arrival in the new dawn.

4. Create a Personal Cocoon

What helps you feel safe, quiet, and whole during transition? Gentle movement, rest, creative play? This is your healing container. Boundaries are part of this. What do you need? Visualize it. Name it.

5. Practice Self-Kindness Rituals

Acts of kindness toward yourself remind you that you matter. Start small. Take that moment to appreciate beauty around you. Nourishing food, soft clothes, a funny movie, or listening to your favorite tunes .

You Are Still You

Even when everything changes—even when your career, energy, or appearance are different—you are still you. You likely are feeling broken and you're doing something incredibly brave by grieving and growing.

“Be kind to yourself as your story unfolds and as you unfold into your radiant new self and unfold those wings.”

💌 Want Support on This Journey?

If you’re navigating the grief of illness and want guidance reclaiming your strength and sense of self—I offer 1:1 coaching designed for women just like you. You don’t have to do this alone.

✨ Learn more or schedule a free intro call here: https://calendly.com/shannon-redefineyourradiance/discovery-session

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